blog

This year started off with several new projects and project perspectives for our company, which is really good news these days. We have written a Structural Funds proposal for the Romanian Mountain Guides Association, we have worked on editing and producing 300,000 DVDs for a foundation in Brussels, we are in talks with a UK based health clinic to become their Romanian reps and we are entering the final and very important year of our five year project with the British NGO World Horse Welfare. One would think I should be happy and relaxed planning away our strategies and implementing techniques.

I am however, very nervous, and some might say this is a good thing, as it keeps you on your toes and ensures you minimize slip-ups and deliver best results. But I can’t help to toss and turn and torment myself every night before I go to sleep about every tiny detail of every project. And I wanted to share all this with you, to relieve some of the burden and to explain why I think it comes with the territory when you are not just an employee in a company, but a shareholder and a driving force and the success of the company is resting solely on your shoulders (I am giving myself more credit then it is due, but I need to make this exaggeration so my point comes through more clearly).

I am in a love – hate relationship with Productive: I want it to succeed, to grow and boast itself with interesting work (interesting prevails over the financial – because my aim is not to become filthy rich, but to be able to support my family on a decent level). But I am also angry with it, because I depend on it and this dependency is caused by my personal weaknesses – we all have those, but sometimes they become more obvious when you are your own boss. You need to harness and motivate yourself, if something goes wrong, you only have yourself to blame and I always take the rewards with a pinch of salt (can I pull this off next time, as well?). You are always looking at the numbers and they rarely look good and, most of all, you need the space, confidence and vision to see the big picture, while keeping an eye to detail (especially the boring admin and accounting detail, which in Romania is very complicated and veiled).

One would think it would be enough for me to look at our success to get a boost of confidence, but in an awkwardly twisted way, our success make me even more nervous, as now we have higher standards to achieve. We have recently helped World Horse Welfare pass a Written Declaration through the EU Parliament. Through media relations, personal networking and cold calling we have managed to help the British charity obtain enough MEP signatures to pass a Declaration that is the basis for changing the currently flawed legislation on the way horses are transported across Europe  for slaughter. I’m very proud of this and of my colleague Serban Mihaila, who made it possible through his networking skills and determination

We have also coordinated the subtitling — in 20 languages — of a documentary for DG Relex (the EC’s foreign affairs ministry), called 50 Years of EU in the World, with a Belgian NGO. This meant dealing with scores of different translations, negotiating with suppliers (we were surprised to find that the cheapest DVD printers were in UK), coordinating the job from a distance, carefully planning each step and making sure no detail is lost. Another job well done.

Still, I keep flagellating myself over how badly I wrote that Structural Funds proposal (it was the first one I did and I started thinking I would nail it, only to slowly lose my confidence, then regain it enough at the end to send it through.  Now I’m agonizing over what I wrote and don’t dare to re-read it again, for shame). Still, I am nervous about starting an entrepreneurial project, such as setting up a country office for the UK health clinic – which is something Rupert will be doing mostly, as he is the social entrepreneurial type, but I will have to support him and I worry about not being up to the task. And I worry about this being the final year of World Horse Welfare’s Project Romania and the fact that all their PR and communication activities will have to reflect the immense achievements of these past five years.

There is a sense of proudness doubled with helplessness when you are your own boss (well, at least for me there is). I am proud that Productive is entering it’s fifth year of life now, that our projects are socially aware (child rights, animal welfare, NGO development, energy efficiency) and that our work is supporting good causes and gives personal satisfaction – I would rather make less money than push an overrated product on some poor unsuspecting consumers. But I am also torn about next steps, about future, about implementing the next project, or identifying the next client. While personally I am a good project manager (if you give me a job I will get it done for you), I am a lousy sales and new business person – all of the outmost importance for a company owner. I depend on Rupert for this and feel bad for about it. My only consolation is that he seems to like doing this type of work.

I am confident that if Rupert can pull off new business, I can deliver the goods and this company will keep on growing. I need to accept my own weaknesses and others’ and minimize them by making the best out of our qualities. I know we have a very good team, people who get along with each other, complement each others skills and strive to only take on projects that they believe in – which is a big luxury, I might say, but which keeps us balanced and result oriented.